I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
