If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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