I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
