all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
