I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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