Umm I'm too high to move.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
