she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
