my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
