i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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