I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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