just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
