M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
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