I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
