She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
