If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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