he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Randomize
