my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
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