The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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