its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize