Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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