we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
