i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Randomize
