Can i not drive my cunt home
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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