I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
