Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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