someone get that fucking seahorse.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
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