DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
