Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
