Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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