we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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