We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
