You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
