So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I'm going to jail i love you
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
