did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
