Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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