so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
