He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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