im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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