If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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