Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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