Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
