we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
did i just pee glitter
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