I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
