I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
