the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
