cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
