omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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