Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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