you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize