Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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