Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
You took a bar mat shot.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
