I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
