so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize