This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
