If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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