Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
