dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
