John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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