and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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